The Interview

JNN: I’ll go over a few things and we’ll be ready to roll in five. You still want to remain anonymous?

D: Yeah. I could give hints here and there but I don’t want my name known like that. This city is smaller than you think. I can’t deal with negative vibes, please.

JNN: Fair enough. Like I said before, we want to give people information as it is. Solomon’s coronation is in a few months and we simply want to look back at the life and times of his father, King David, before the coronation. He’s a great hero but we’ll just like to get all the angles, you know. Hence this docuseries.  

D: Hmm, you want angles? I got you.

JNN: Right. Let’s begin. So why are you particular about highlighting King David’s big scandal, #Bathgate?

D: Listen. Because people are celebrating David like he’s all that. Everybody is calling him a hero from his youth but I’m just like let’s not forget, you know. This is close to me because David did my cousin dirty. I mean, Uriah was my neighbor’s cousin…(Pauses and sniffs. Interviewer hands her a tissue box). Thank you. So this stuff was close to home. Like…Bath was like my in-law, you know. I knew the little twat before she became the world famous side piece queen.

JNN: So, is this more about Queen Bath?

D: Well, I’m just saying. David did my bro dirty and then had the guts to marry Bath. Dude had how many wives already? When I heard they lost the baby, I was laughing like Karma is a #*@#**. Oh, can I say that and then you’ll bleep it out?

JNN: Erm, let’s just keep this PG. Please continue.

D: I’m just here to say, yes, David might have done a lot for the nation and people say he loved God but he was a two timer, killer and the family is really messed up. Like when the whole Amnon-Tamar rape scandal happened, I was like this is crazy, man. And then Absalom made things worse, I was like payback is really a bad *bleep* (sips tea).

JNN: But recall the big interview King David had with Jerusalem Times eight years ago. He mentioned that his family life was his biggest regret and took responsibility for the mistakes he made. Do you think he was really sorry? You know, going by his interviews and poems?

D: I don’t know. Listen, I got tea. My mug is small. So I’m just here to spill. I guess I’m just pained that Solomon is going to be king. I mean, of all the children (rolls eyes). Really? What now? Bath’s going to be Queen mother? Well, who knew side pieces could have it all?

JNN: But we all heard Nathan and Zaddok clearly state that Solomon is God’s choice, at the press conference.

D: Look, I’m just saying. If I were God…

JNN: But you are not God! I’m sorry. That was completely out of line. Please continue.

D: Well, I guess the whole ‘God chooses whom He pleases’ thing runs in the family. Like father, like son. How convenient! You may wanna look into that. Just saying.

JNN: Ma’am, King David had his share of regrets and experienced consequences of his mistakes but that doesn’t seem to be enough for you. Do you want us to ignore the fact that this man defeated Goliath, trained the best army we have ever had, loved and honored King Saul even when King Saul hated him? King David led and won countless battles, brought back the Ark of Covenant, even attempted to build the temple we have all been dreaming of? Come on! Should we forget all that because of #Bathgate? I’m not saying we should skim over it but is that what we want to define his life by? Ma’am, do you believe in the mercy of God?

D: I guess God can be merciful. I, I just can’t get past the scandal. That’s just it!

JNN: Well, maybe that’s why God is God.

D: I guess.

JNN: Ms. D, thank you so much for your time. Like I said, we will present all the angles in this docuseries. It’s our job. Once again, thanks for your time.

D: No problem. I’m still getting paid, right?